Is Resilience Something You’re Born With or Something You Can Build?
The Common Assumption
Are some people just wired to handle more? Or is there something deeper going on?
It’s a question I’ve found myself asking more often as I’ve gotten older, especially as I’ve taken on the roles of parent, professional, and partner. There are days when the sense of overwhelm creeps in, and I fear that I don’t have what it takes. Maybe I wasn’t born with that “push through no matter what” gene.
But here’s the truth: that belief is a myth.
What we’re really talking about is resilience, the ability to adapt, recover, and keep going in the face of stress, setbacks, and change. Essentially, it’s getting back up, dusting yourself off, and trying again. Developmental psychologist Ann Masten (2001) famously refers to resilience as “ordinary magic,” a set of everyday processes that help people overcome hardship. It’s not some rare quality reserved for a lucky few. In fact, resilience is built, not born.
What the Research Says
Thanks to the brain’s incredible capacity for change—what scientists call neuroplasticity—our emotional and behavioral patterns can be reshaped over time. For years, resilience was misunderstood as something people were either born with or without. But the research tells a different story. Hunter and colleagues (2018) completed a comprehensive review of the neuroscience behind resilience and found that it is not a fixed trait—it’s a set of adaptive processes that reflect the brain’s capacity to grow and change.
Habits such as practicing mindfulness and engaging in regular exercise can strengthen the parts of the brain associated with emotional regulation. While genetics play a role, research confirms that environment and behavior can reshape how we respond to stress (meaning resilience is something we can actively build).
Everyday Evidence You’re Building Resilience
Like brushing your teeth, stretching, or staying hydrated, resilience is something you can practice daily. It’s not built in dramatic life events. It’s built in small, everyday moments, like:
Making a difficult phone call instead of avoiding it.
Having your idea dismissed in a meeting and still speaking up the next day.
Facing a hard parenting day and reminding yourself you're still doing your best.
It doesn’t always look graceful. And that’s okay. You might not bounce back right away, but over time, you will.
Try This: The “Three Good Things” Reflection
If you’re looking for a place to start, try this: End your day by jotting down three things that went well. Nothing fancy. Just a few simple wins, no matter how small. This practice is called Three Good Things (Seligman et al., 2005) , and research says it works (Sexton & Adair, 2019). Here are some examples:
“I got out of bed without hitting snooze.”
“I finally had that tough conversation I’d been putting off.”
“I had time for a walk over lunch.”
That’s it. Just three.
This small shift helps your brain start noticing progress, not just problems. Over time, it builds trust in your own ability to handle hard things. Consider it a little reminder that even when things felt messy or overwhelming, you still showed up.
I’ve been doing this myself lately. Some nights, it’s hard to come up with even one “win,” but I can always find something, however small. And that simple act of noticing and naming? It’s a reminder that growth doesn’t have to be dramatic to be real. These small reflections are how we start becoming happier humans. One small act at a time.
Citations
Hunter, R. G., Gray, J. D., & McEwen, B. S. (2018). The neuroscience of resilience. Journal of the Society for Social Work and Research, 9(2), 305–339. https://doi.org/10.1086/697956
Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227
Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–421. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.60.5.410
Sexton, J. B., & Adair, K. C. (2019). Forty-five good things: A prospective pilot study of the Three Good Things wellbeing intervention in the USA for healthcare worker emotional exhaustion, depression, work–life balance and happiness. BMJ Open, 9, e022695. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2018-022695
